LIKE THE MAN SAYS, "It takes courage to reinvent yourself."
I've been in the midst of a massive reinvention process this year. I called it around February, declaring 2011 to be my "year of big emotion." I go through this ROUGHLY EVERY SEVEN YEARS. <-- (read this link -- it's interesting and makes intuitive sense)
Personal growth is a strange journey, often it's tiresome, and most of all, it's scary .... but what I know from experience is that it is always worth the struggle. We don't grow by staying within our comfort zone. (Actually, I tend to have the opposite problem, which is that I have awkward, uncomfortable schemes and dreams, then exhaust myself through overwork, then wonder what went wrong. Grandiose much? Expectation City, thy state is ambition.
So I decided this time around that I would make some humbler choices. Mostly this has worked out well, but it has entailed becoming a completely different kind of person with some very different goals. Barely into my 50s, no less. Not an easy time for most of us to change.
I would like to be more forthcoming about this over the coming months. Blogs are great places to hide within an open field. Very few of us enjoy airing our dirty laundry for fear of being misunderstood or flat-out rejected by those with differing sensibilities. (See THIS, for instance, from a blogger I enjoy reading.)
And my laundry isn't even that dirty (mostly it's kinda rumpled, like Columbo's), but those of us with perfectionistic tendencies often consider our private struggles to be less honorable than others' because ... well, they're ours, and if we are honest with ourselves, we all too easily see our own shortcomings ... and I tend to be my own worst critic.
Yet less than I used to be. I've been thinking about writing a post titled "Overthinkers Anonymous" (ergo, NOT hiding within an open field, but rather, outing myself as a chronic insomniac with obsessive-compulsive tendencies -- so now you know, ta-dah!).
However, since early this summer, I've been posting from time borrowed on various friends' laptops, since my own desktop tower is not currently available. I've been traveling without a laptop, which has turned out to be quite a bit like flying without a net (the Inter-net, ha ha). It has been a mind-blower, checking email maybe twice a week from strange computers, not being able to generate my ongoing calendar or to-do list at the push of a button (the laptop I'm writing you from tonight doesn't even have a printer attached), and so forth. So, to track my life, and to write my writing, I've reverted to one spiral notebook and a really small spiral flip-book. Otherwise, I write things on scraps of paper and hope for the best.
It is humbling to see how much I'd come to rely on my computer in place of using my memory. Yet just today, someone who met me for the first time observed that I was good with numbers ... as in remembering them.
Furthermore, this awkward adjustment process has forced me to live more in the NOW rather than in the elsetime. And that has been cathartic, albeit anxiety-producing at times.
So, you who are listening, please know that I'm in one of those awkward, in-between spaces, and that some of my days lately work out better than others. Changing venues frequently has pushed me so far out of my comfort zone that I'm not even sure how that zone looks anymore.
Well, except for when I'm eating comfort food. That hasn't changed. Food can be great therapy when we don't overdo it. (I tend to have the opposite problem, too much self-denial.) So I'm learning to eat my heart out! Today I bought myself a Double-Double, fries, and a Coke. For me, now, this was a big step forward.
Mostly, though, if you care about me, please know this: I am surrounded by a lot of love, and I am staying in the light as much as possible. Some days lately, I truly don't want to get out of bed, but that's a very bad place to get stuck. And so I push myself onward, O Stalwart Mule. (Kudos to DARKLADY, a fellow mule, for calling us that.)
Yet I won't overdo that mule thing either. Getting stuck while you're flying without a net leads to a fall. And so I walk. I'm taking some great walks lately, and learning to RELAX AND ENJOY LIFE again. Just this evening I enjoyed some great mouthfuls of wild berries along my walk. Earlier I enjoyed a fallen Bartlett pear from a beautiful tree.
For me, this new life phase means that I live well, yet within my means (today I scored a beautiful pair of blue jeans at a thrift store for $2 -- it happened to be a half-price day -- I am totally delighted!), granting myself more joie de vivre, and teaching myself not to hide in an open field. I hope you'll stay tuned.
Wishing you much love, all ways,
--Bill Brent
[keywords for this post:] Shaun Boyd, TheDarklady
