I wasn't going to write this post. I've been putting it off for months, because frankly, I've been waiting for enough perspective. And I think I have that now.
Some of you know that I've been living on the wet side of the Big Island of Hawaii for the past six years. I haven't gone back to the mainland U.S. to visit much. Heck, I haven't even been to visit the other islands. And what a waste that is. Partly this is due to economics, and partly due to a lack of folks I know on the other islands. Folks who've lived here for much or all of their lives, I suspect, don't have this problem.
And then there's that mainland. Big and scary. I was there for about four months this summer and fall. It was a much bigger shock to my system than I'd suspected it would be. And it was hard to find people who deeply understood that. I think they could relate, in some generalized way, but most of them had homes, friends, and communities they were part of. Unless you've been through this dislocation desolation fairly recently, you're outside that tunnel, so it's harder to understand how it feels inside, swallowed by the murk.
Plus, in many ways, Hawaii is a third-world country in statehood drag. Nope, I did not just call it a banana republic. Anyway, the culture shock was pretty intense for me.
One thing that helped me to cope was to keep looking for the light, however I could find it, whether that meant forcing myself to stand outside in the sunshine, interacting with others who were in a lighter, happier frame of mind (so don't isolate), or attending a beginning yoga class (same idea). And sometimes that meant smiling when I didn't feel like it -- fake it till you make it, yes?
Yet it was a grieving process. Missing "home" -- not just Hawaii, but also the home that was northern California before I left it on December 15, 2005. THAT northern California has changed a lot in six years. It feels faster and meaner -- more aggressive than the one I remember -- with a little less soul, somehow.
So I think that's what I'm looking for, back here on the Big Island for a spell: the soul of a place. It's a hard thing to explain, but I know it when I see it. I see it when people here take the time to acknowledge each other on the street and in traffic, and maybe to talk story.
I feel it when I stand in a forest of ohia trees.
I felt it from the redwoods in northern California too. I was lucky enough to live in a home that was surrounded by them, between 2003 and 2005. (I got clean from crystal meth during those years, too -- whole lotta soul in that. I even wrote about it once.)
So that's what I want, I think. I want to connect with the soul of a place when I'm in it. So it's important for me to find those trees, and maybe to plant some that might still be around once I'm gone. It's all about finding that light.
Meanwhile, this year has aged me a lot. I talk to friends, and they seem to agree that it was a sucky year for them too. I feel profoundly less vitality. I get anxious when I go out in public. Food doesn't taste as good. Simple tasks seem like a burden. I get cold more easily, tired more easily, and my body hurts -- it actually "feels sick" -- when I spend too much time sitting in front of a computer screen. So I've been developing some coping strategies. I've started to rely more on dictating and transcribing. It's far from perfect, but it helps. A bit. (I get annoyed with folks who think that Dragon Naturally Speaking is the answer to all RSI sufferers' problems, but I keep it to myself IRL.)
Regardless, I am highly interested in ways to heal my repetitive strain injury, as well as to improve my focus, so I just got
The Way of Qigong: The Art and Science of Chinese Energy Healing, by Kenneth S. Cohen, and promptly dove into several chapters that struck my interest. I plan to get a copy of Qigong Beginning Practice, featuring instructors Francesco and Daisy Lee-Garripoli as well. It sounds pretty impressive, though I would be surprised to get results as instantaneous as these here.
I would also like to take a Qigong class as well as returning to beginning yoga, which I started this fall in northern California. Meanwhile, I've been to three sessions of physical therapy here on the Big Island, and I can feel a bit of my old stamina returning, though I have to take it slowly, and not "grim out" on the days when it just ain't there.
And I would like to check out Alexander Technique as a way to break through old postural habits that block the free flow of energy through my body. And maybe get back into some kind of performance (singing, acting, or both), while I'm at it, since Alexander is great for improving one's technique.
Meanwhile -- and this one's more pervasive and subtle -- I more readily notice unpleasant sensory elements within my immediate environment. Often these are things I cannot change, within my living spaces. And I don't want to be so triggered by those. So I want a better perspective on things. Which brings to mind the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
And there's been an absence of FUN in my life lately. So tonight I'm playing really loud rock music (punk, even), and bopping around while I'm burning more staid portions of my CD collection to an external drive. So I have to get music and other kinds of fun back into my life because it helps me to take the rest of the crap more lightly. Or maybe not notice it so much. So, yeah, serenity's cool, but let's have some excitement too. And not feel so bogged down by the never-ending crap of life. So, while we're at it, let's hear it for nonchalance.
And so that's what I want, too, I think. I want my cosmic shrug back. It's a good coping tool.
Oddly enough, I think it's all connected: finding the soul of a place, having fun, and not being so triggered by unpleasantness I cannot change.
So enough of my pathos. How do you cope? Drop a line below if you like.
Wishing you a beautiful day,
Bill Brent
[this page last updated: 2011.12.11, 2:19 a.m. Hawaii time | photo credits: Bill Brent]
